The relationship researchers and therapists John and Julie Gottman call defensiveness one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, in that couples who express a lot of defensiveness in their discussions with each other—along with three other communication habits—are more likely to divorce. The defensive partner might say, “Well, yeah, it’s because I’m being attacked all the time.” But it’s also about the defensiveness. If you cannot relax and admit your role in the interaction, if you cannot acknowledge any bit of truth in what the other person is saying, then it’s harder to work together to deal with problems and help each other feel loved and appreciated.

Defensiveness is not always a sign of guilt, but it is a sign of tenderness. We’ve hit on something sore, or injured, or just very sensitive that the other person wants to protect. This shows up in the body, too, when we instinctively tense up around an injury and grow more anxious if someone starts to reach for it. We have to really trust that someone is reaching for the injury out of care and a desire to help for us to feel able to even begin to relax, and even then, the one who would help must start with gentleness and confidence.

If you’re feeling emotionally beaten up by your loved ones, you don’t have to sit there and take it, but it’s possible that what feels like an attack is just accidental contact, or a helping hand, or simply a finger pointing to what it sees. What you are defending against is the pain and fear you feel because of the hurt, only you think the other person is causing it because they drew attention to it.

Instead of lashing out, you can admit what you see is true—that doesn’t mean agreeing with everything said, but just the piece you recognize as valid. If you can’t see anything valid, or you’re too worked up to think about it, you could simply say you’re upset and need a break for a bit. Some partners struggle with that kind of a boundary, but telling them just enough to get a sense of what’s happening helps to cool the tension. “I need a moment because I’m upset and I need to figure out what’s going on.”