In the face of looming responsibility, sometimes we might want to flail in helplessness and hope someone else will pick up the pieces. Other times we might shoulder all the burdens with sober intensity, pushing down the overwhelming feeling to muscle through. Either of these moves is disempowering in subtle ways, disowning either our own power or overvaluing our power to the disempowerment of others.

But if we set these moves at either end and look between them, there is the truth of participation and help. We have things that we can do, and we have resources to turn to for aid and support. The trick is becoming clear on what I can do, what I can learn, and when I am over my head and need support. Then the other trick is risking asking for help and becoming discerning about who can best help me. It is unfortunate that simply wanting or asking for help is not quite enough. We still have to participate in being helped—we have to communicate, we have to work together, we have to allow help to happen.

Yet the more I learn how to engage the help that’s available, the more I see how much needless suffering I’ve created by thinking I have to do it all myself. Without that suffering, I could do so much more.

What responsibilities feel just beyond your capacity right now? What would make them easier to bear?