“The reason the Nice Guy strategy fails tends to come down to underlying shame about yourself, your passivity, and your inability to tolerate another person’s boundaries. The loneliness you’re trying to cure through romantic connection becomes your greatest hindrance. Loneliness is true suffering, it is incredibly painful, and makes us more sensitive to rejection from the people with whom we want to connect.”
Forgiving Trespasses
Recently I’ve had cause to reflect on The Lord’s Prayer. As a former Catholic, I prayed it often, and recently I was struck by the…
For Queer Men and Others Seeking Love and Lust
As a therapist who frequently works with queer men and nonbinary folk on loneliness, longing, sex, and intimacy, I wanted to write down the advice and observations I most frequently offer. This is a series of mini-essays covering the confusion of lust and love; apps and hookup culture; etiquette around open relationships; self-respect in love; creating a good life when you don’t have a partner; and other topics.
Consent When You Don’t Know What You Need
/”Yet there are times when the person we want to love or care for is unable to be clear about what they need from us. When we reach out to loved ones and say, “Let me know what you need,” that expression of caring might not be enough to get an authentic answer. The person we want to support may not know what they need; may not know how to ask for what they need; or may feel shame and terror at the vulnerability of asking. These three states are obstacles for establishing consent. For the rest of this post, I’m going to discuss each obstacle and offer suggestions for ways we can work through that not-knowing and learn together what is needed.”
Post Break-Up Growth
Heartbreak, loss, protracted and unwanted single-ness, and break-ups bring up the painful side of connection, when we are torn from intimacy and thrown back into…
Mistrust, Hope, and Meaningful Connection, Part 3
In the past few weeks, I’ve written about the experience of mistrust and the work of identifying trustworthiness. Today I will talk about repairing broken…
Mistrust, Hope, and Meaningful Connection, Part 2
Last week, I wrote about how we experience mistrust, its value, and the barriers it creates to meaningful connection. This week, I want to write…
Some Thoughts on Civil Discourse
In my communities, and it seems in my country, I have watched increasing polarization and the lines of demarcation run sometimes very close to home.…
Mistrust, Hope, and Meaningful Connection, Part 1
“I have trust issues.” Have you ever said that? What does that mean to you? Where do those “issues” come from? When I explore trust…
To Know My True Name: On Identity and Belonging
do you think just like that you can divide this you as yours me as mine to before we were us? if the rain has…