In a conversation this morning with a client we reflected on the kind of person who is self-directed but in a way that makes life harder for others—inconsiderate, making changes in community life without checking in with the people who would be affected, more focused on the part than the whole.

It occurred to me that the problem is not being self-directed. That’s really helpful! I remember in my barista days I had folks on staff who really didn’t take any initiative unless I explicitly told him what needed to be done, even when there was a checklist for everyone to use to see what needs to be done. His request for support and direction might have been understandable if he hadn’t been there for a while, and if I didn’t have to stop and walk him through every task when I was already trying to stay ahead of the numerous things expected of us.

I know many of us experience this frustration either at work or at home with partners who seem unable or unwilling to take responsibility for the tasks of the household and living. You want some self-direction here, you want them to be able to see for themselves what needs doing and to take the initiative to do it. It is exhausting to have to hold all of the expectations and follow through on them and hold someone’s hand and help them understand and follow through on the expectations.

But the other side of this is being community-minded. Again, it’s clear that self-direction without community-mindedness is going to create as much irritation as no self-direction at all. Because when you’re operating in a shared space—a workplace, a community, a home you share with others—it serves you well to work the norms and the consensus.

Any change you make that affects others involved, it behooves you to think proactively about who is impacted and make sure they understand and appreciate the change you’re trying to make. Otherwise, even if you have a great idea, the people who weren’t included are going to be unhappy and make your life a lot harder. On the other hand, if you really pay attention to what helps the community work and you do your piece without being asked, it makes everyone’s life easier and more joyful.