Engaging in intentional nonmonogamy is like choosing to take an elective graduate degree in having relationships. “More Than Two” is the hefty book one would expect to be on the syllabus, a broad overview introducing various norms, ethics, joys and challenges of engaging in nonmonogamy. Those who are curious about or involved in polyamorous relationships, open relationships, or anything on the spectrum of doing nonmonogamy with the consent of their partners would find something insightful, valuable, and illuminating in this book.
The authors affirm that nomonogamy is just another way of doing relationships, not necessarily more noble or evolved, but succeed in contrasting the nonmonogamous worldview with the expectations most of us were socialized to take for granted in a monogamous culture. They distill their approach to two ethical principles that are clear, simple, and yet offer a profound shift in perspective, such as: “The people in the relationship are more important than the relationship itself.”
This edition comes out ten years after the original, enough time for the authors to have reflected on the strengths and unintended consequences of the framings of the last book. One apparent change in the second edition is the inclusion of a chapter very early in the book specifically about identifying abusive relationship dynamics, and particularly how those can manifest in polyamorous relationships. They specifically point out that this matters because relationship advice is only beneficial when in a non-abusive relationship, a point that I’ve rarely seen laid bare so succinctly. It has been a while since I read the original version, but my understanding is that the first edition laid greater emphasis on emotional self-responsibility in the face of relationship conflicts that put autonomy above all things, including our needs for attachment security. This second edition does a much better job balancing the dynamics of attachment and autonomy together, and in particular I love the chapter with illustrated descriptions of the flows of power and emotional intimacy in relationships, particularly highlighting the problems that arise when one person attempts to control the romantic connection of two others in their polycule.
I also appreciate how the book frames relational issues from a non-blaming perspective. When two or more partners want different things, the problem is not one person’s wants but the mismatch of wants and needs in the relationship. When we can view it from this perspective, then we can work together to adjust the relationship to better accommodate those wants and needs.
I do not expect folks who are uninterested in polyamory to pick up this book for fun, but I do think these discussions and dynamics are broadly applicable for all of us. Every human being engages in multiple relationships with people important to them and has to navigate conflicting demands. You may not be polyamorous, but you may have a spouse who cannot stand your father, or a demanding boss who considers the bottom line of your project more important than your emotional availability to your children. You may love your spouse more than anything but find you really need to spend one night out a month with your friend group. All of these are normal problems for us humans, and More Than Two offers an affirming, sensible framework of thinking to explore how to work through these issues for the good of all in the relationship.
