One lesson I took away from behavioral psychology is the limits of punishment for getting the outcomes you want. It has a function—when delivered in a timely and direct way, punishment decreases the behaviors you don’t want. But it doesn’t teach the behaviors you do want. All the punished one knows is that thing it just did incurred consequences.

To teach, to lead, you need a clear vision of what you want and the capacity to communicate it and encourage what you want by rewarding and praising when you see steps moving in the direction of what you want. You can’t just get sullen, withdrawn, and vindictive when you don’t get what you want. That diminishes connection and, over time, encourages covert resistance and disobedience.