It’s useful to remember that people are paradoxical creatures and that the advice that works for one person may be unhelpful for another.
There are people who are almost perpetual people-pleasers, who will prioritize others’ needs and comfort above their own, and who struggle to accept and validate that they have boundaries. There are other people who put their own needs and hurt above everyone else’s, who will cut people out of their lives before they even try having a sit-down conversation about the problem.
In a sense, both strategies are responses to the same core problem of how to balance having a Self and being in relationship with others. Neither is really wrong, but both have limitations, and both strategies could learn a lot from each other to bring more wholeness to a person.
So telling a people-pleaser who is finally getting angry and setting boundaries that they need to think about others… maybe not helpful. Telling a self-prioritizer that they don’t need to worry about others’ opinions… maybe not helpful.
The other paradox is that the more we judge and resist our strategies, the more entrenched they become.
When that people pleaser starts thinking about putting themself first it becomes tempting to start judging that pleasing tendency, or on the contrary to judge that self-interested tendency.
What is strange and confusing is the importance of gratitude and appreciation. When we make the effort to really understand what these strategies are trying to do for us, and appreciate how hard they’re working, and have gratitude for what they’ve given us, then these parts begin to relax.
It’s hard to do, because we can easily start thinking of all the harm we’ve experienced because of the strategy. The fear is, if I have gratitude or appreciation that is basically saying the harm is okay and it’ll get worse.
But most of us have spent years judging and shaming ourselves without much improvement, so it might be worth the risk to try gratitude and appreciation.
When I notice an anxious or worrying thought these days, I take a moment to thank that part of me. “Thanks for bringing that to my attention. It’s a valid concern.” Rather than exacerbating the anxiety, it feels soothing. It’s like that anxious part of me really wanted me to hear them, and once it knew it was heard, it could relax.
