Recently I was working with a person who has a habitual reaction to stress that isn’t working for them, and they expressed a longing to be able to change their attitude, but since they could never “feel” that different attitude, they doubted their capacity to change.
But I think there is a false expectation there. When you commit to a change in attitude, you are probably not going to “feel” any different for a while. It is more like putting on a different mask at first. You might wake up as cranky, sore, and easily irritated as you did yesterday. But if you have resolved to meet this day with an attitude of patience or courage, then you will practice holding those experiences differently than you did yesterday when you flailed and complained.
But isn’t that being inauthentic?
Here is one of those confusing paradoxes of a therapist’s perspective. Because it is important that we can honor and respect our own feelings, to know and name and care for them. At times, being willing to vulnerably share these feelings in relationship is deeply authentic and connecting.
And it is one of the powers of maturity to know how to deliberately put on a mask appropriate to our circumstances. There are numerous times when expressing every thought or feeling that passes through us, immediately and without reflection, hurts us and the people around us.
To practice taking on a new involves recognizing and holding inner spaciousness for my difficult experiences, but also engaging will to behave as though I am a person with this attitude. I may feel frustrated, but I am going to behave like a loving, patient, considerate person. And if I find I’ve fallen back into old habits, I’ll catch myself and try on the attitude again.
This discipline may actually make us more authentic people. Our old habits may themselves obstacles to the expression of authentic inner qualities. How often do we reflect on things we’ve said or done with shame, guilt, or regret? How often do we realize we didn’t really mean what we said, or we were unfair to the people in our lives, or we acted in ways that made us look bad when we weren’t the problem?
The key is that taking on a new attitude is a choice, a practice, an act of will, and not a way I am trying to lie to myself and others. I don’t have to say, “I don’t feel bad at all! I’m not grumpy! My life is great!”
I can feel completely grumpy and frustrated and still remember that I am practicing an attitude of gratefulness today. Then the work is to find anything I can offer some gratitude toward, no matter how small. Like I can be grateful to be warm, or to have a place to sleep, or to have clean running water.
This friction makes it an actual exercise that grows us. Like any kind of exercise, it is challenging, it takes effort, and parts of us want to resist the work and go back to the movements that were comfortable and easy. It is useful to be a little uncomfortable and feel the effort of this. It’s not useful to be ignoring, pushing past, or denying any pain you’re causing to yourself.
The authentic self is not every thought, feeling, and reaction that comes up in the moment. Neither is it some hidden nugget of gold buried beneath all of our protections and social conditioning.
All of these things, together, are our authenticity. That is the mystery. When we can allow all of them to be known, named, and participate, that is the alchemical process that turns our lead into gold.
