Letting go of anger, hurt, and resentment is tough and it can take a long time. “Letting go” sounds simple enough as a metaphor, but in terms of feelings there are rarely simple straightforward pathways to do it.

And perhaps that’s for the best. There may be things we need to absorb from these experiences of hurt and anger, ways we can better take care of ourselves in future relationships and interactions, and the parts of us carrying this pain need to know we get it before they can set aside the feeling.

Too often that rush to forgiveness is about trying to get back to the status quo, and it makes sense because there was likely a great deal about the status quo that was lovely. But it was also the conditions under which we got hurt.

As I write this, I feel that this is one of the experiences we need in an apology. We need to know that the person we felt hurt by understands and feels remorse for how they hurt us so we can trust both that it wasn’t their desire and that they know how to care for us in the future. And we may need to apologize to our parts for the same reason.

Forgiveness, then, is as much of a commitment to more skillful caring for the self as it is a releasing of anger and hurt. If we’re lucky, we can do that work within the relationship where hurt occurred, but at times it ends up that we need space from the other persons to do that work.

When we commit to knowing and loving ourselves completely, nothing is a waste of time or energy. Everything we experience offers us richer insights and depth of growth. Everyone and everything may be our teacher.