This morning I read a heated thread about the disappointment of throwing a party and no one coming against the protests of those for whom going to parties is a challenge. As with many of these arguments, people weren’t really connecting to each other but sort of responding from their own story and insisting it be considered while not acknowledging the other.

Love needs us to connect to real people and have conversations. We can argue on the internet about how people should feel but that is no substitute for talking to your actual friends and family about what we do feel.

In truth, sometimes you go to the party even when it’s uncomfortable because you love the person it’s for and know they want the support. This is actually a relieving practice. It doesn’t have to be about you. You can have low expectations that are surprised.

And sometimes you recognize that going to the party will be worse for everyone, so you don’t. But communication and clarity is still needed, because without it, how would they know? All they know is you weren’t there.

The relationship is its own being that requires tending. When you don’t tend your connections with people, they tend to wither. I understand some people don’t experience this and can go for years without contact but feel the same level of closeness. That’s lovely, and it doesn’t mean the person who needs contact needs it any less.

It may mean the shape of the relationship changes. There are people I love that if they reach out I know I’ll enjoy talking to them, and I know I can’t rely on them for anything. There are people I know will make it work if I need them, sometimes at their own expense. Those aren’t about my worth as a person, but the connection we’ve formed between us.

This is a season for loving without attachment, giving without conditions. And this giving must be a choice based on what you feel willing and able to give. Giving out of obligation is not generosity, it drains us.