Many of us feel wearied by constant outrage and long for imagined days of civil conversation, but anger is energy. When people feel provoked or angry, they engage. As a person who tends toward diplomacy and equanimity, I also often gravitate toward provocative folks to challenge and inspire me. As it turns out, being too balanced is its own imbalance.
I notice that I can say things very similar to those provocative folks without stirring much conflict at all. At times, I can assuage conflict by restating things in terms that folks can actually hear and contemplate. This is powerful for building relationships and trust, but one consequence is that at times there’s very little obvious response. Meanwhile, a friend of mine can post one sentence on Facebook and start fifty arguments. There is very obvious response and engagement.
Anger is energizing and exciting. When there is anger, there is a will to take action. It is healthy and constructive to feel anger and let that anger move one’s self to an important conversation, a constructive action, a meaningful confrontation, a firm boundary.
Anger also gets stuck and reactive, and shuts processes down. When there is anger without respect or safety, folks tend to harden in their defensive positions and become more polarized. As I’ve allowed myself to feel my anger more, I’ve found myself saying things I don’t fully believe, defending positions I don’t really agree with, simply because I felt attacked and there was no space for nuance.
When feeling under attack, it’s easy to withdraw in a sense that someone must be right and someone must be wrong. If I acknowledge even the slightest bit of doubt, nuance, or self-questioning in these moments, I feel a fear that will be used against me to discredit my entire position. Mistrust is high, and I feel tempted to respond by discrediting the other person’s position entirely.
This polarization is unworkable in a relationship or civil society. No relationship lasts when partners are unwilling to accept influence from each other. No one person or position can be right about everything, and neither does being wrong about some things does not automatically mean you’re wrong about everything.
What we need is anger with vulnerability. To honestly express our conflicts, wants, and needs, without personal attacks, and respecting that each of us comes from a different experience and that we all want to work together for mutual benefit—those conflicts move us forward into greater alliance.
Yet these conversations do not work if everyone does not show up with the same vulnerability and good faith commitment. What often happens is that those in the less powerful position repeatedly do the work of extending themselves, being understanding, being kind, muting their anger to comfort the feelings of the more powerful person or group, and then still get shut down, marginalized, or ignored by the more powerful.
It is love that brings us together, a love that enfolds all the conflict and disparities we experience. Love as the willingness to show up, humble ourselves, listen, and speak honestly. Love as the trust that we will be heard and respected. Love as the knowing that my wants and needs are equal in importance to yours, though they may be very different, and a desire for us all to win together.
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