“Every time we felt alone in suffering, or learned to survive hardship, waits for us to be capable of returning to witness that pain. Our suffering deeply longs to be felt and understood fully; that’s why it seizes upon us in our weak moments when we don’t have the strength to push it away. Or it lashes out at loved ones, hoping they have the strength and capacity to hold it for us. But when we are too vulnerable to give it the caring attention it seeks, we only feel mired more deeply in it, and caught in the battle of those parts of us desperately trying to keep it hidden.”
Acceptance and the Roots
If I were to distill the essence of what I’ve found therapeutic, that in turn I offer to others, it’s that we must stop fixing…
A Ritual for Times of Crisis
“The thing about that is, most of those expectations come from a world we no longer inhabit. So we are in a time of thick fog, trying to follow a path once suggested to us that we can no longer see. We can hardly feel confident about what we think is coming down the path.
…
We need to get lower to the ground, to feel and sense our way through, until the fog clears and we can see again.”
Firecraft and Will
Too many of us, when we’re feeling low energy or stuck in life, expect ourselves to be able to fire up some heavy fuel. Then, when we fail, we think it confirms our fate as incompetent failures. But all it means is that we’ve added too heavy of fuel, too quickly, without awareness of these principles.
So if you’re starting cold and want more energy in your life, instead of making a huge commitment to a task like starting graduate school, try finding some tinder and kindling tasks that you can get started to build your enthusiasm and energy. Start with one new habit, like washing your dishes more often, and do that for a couple weeks until you add the second.”
Consent When You Don’t Know What You Need
/”Yet there are times when the person we want to love or care for is unable to be clear about what they need from us. When we reach out to loved ones and say, “Let me know what you need,” that expression of caring might not be enough to get an authentic answer. The person we want to support may not know what they need; may not know how to ask for what they need; or may feel shame and terror at the vulnerability of asking. These three states are obstacles for establishing consent. For the rest of this post, I’m going to discuss each obstacle and offer suggestions for ways we can work through that not-knowing and learn together what is needed.”
Maturation or Decline?
“In a sense, the seeking of approval and validation reveals a polarization within the Self. One part of me is afraid of being bad, worthless, wrong, stupid, or whatever harsh and shaming words apply to your particular constellation of fear. Another part wants to get away from this bad feeling by seeking the validation of my worthiness or goodness. Since my inner state is one of badness, the seeking feels that approval must come from outside myself.
Yet these two parts—the shame and the seeking—are like two fish, tethered together but swimming in opposite directions. When one pulls, the other pulls. The very act of seeking approval stirs up that part that believes I am not already “good,” who pulls back in terror that its “badness” will be seen. Perhaps, for a time, we find a stable situation in which we’re able to maintain a state of approval and feeling “good,” but that “bad” feeling thrashes under the surface, in anxiety dreams or moments of emotional overwhelm when we have a bad day.”
Letters to Men: #2 – Goodness, Shame, Sex, and Integrity
Dear men of all kinds and ages, Many of us grow up burdened with the mandate to “be good”: moral, exemplary, worthy of praise and…
Letters to Men: #1 – Swords and Cups
Dear men of all kinds and ages, This letter began after feeling provoked by a discussion about social justice and masculinity, and whether men and…
Forgiveness, when Accountability is not Possible
Forgiveness and acceptance go together, because forgiveness, as I understand it now, is about recognizing that we truly were doing all we were capable of doing. With accountability, there is an expectation that you or I can do better. To that end, in accountability I demonstrate respect by communicating boundaries, clarifying expectations, and working to build mutual understanding.
With forgiveness, it is clear this was the best we could do together, and expecting more from the relationship gives rise to greater hurt. To forgive is not to say that what happened was acceptable, or even that the relationship can or should be restored to what it was.
Untangling
In my twenties, I took up knitting because I found it intriguing and I liked the idea of learning a skill that could be put…