Anthony Rella, MA, LMHC

Author: Anthony Rella

  • Redeeming the Critic

    Firsov-Kubla Ancestral Voices by Dmitrismirnov

    When we begin to listen to the inner conversations, we might learn to discern different “voices” that are speaking internally. Not voices we hear with our physical ears, but the range of thoughts and impressions that can seem like they’re pulling us in different directions. Difficult emotions may go with the voices, like guilt and shame, anger or a longing for something different.

    With greater refinement we might come to label these voices as “the inner critic” or “my mother’s voice” or something else. Some of these influences feel good and positive, others feel daunting and harmful. Inner critics can become overwhelming or immobilizing, and some of us have to learn how to quiet the critic or develop mindful awareness of it while continuing to act and live.

    With time, I think we can develop an even deeper level of integrity with these voices by remembering that they are our own. Yes, they sound like the teacher who said we’d always be a failure, the ex-lover, the parent, the boss. They use their words and call up the memories of them saying it, but if it is the present moment and this person is not physically in front of you repeating the statement, then it is no longer their voice. It is yours. (Stay with me!)

    We develop complexes about ourselves, what Jung termed as sensitive clusters of emotional energy in the psyche, that continue to grow and gather meaning and weight with time. If, for whatever reason, a complex says “I am incompetent,” it will always be on the watch for evidence confirming its worldview and ignore evidence that disproves it. It will remember the critical comments from the teacher and forget all the other glowing reviews.

    This is painful, but it does not mean that we have to ignore or try to get rid of these complexes. Generally, that does not work. One thing that does work is taking it a little seriously (a little meaning not too seriously!). If I feel guilty about something, it’s worth taking time to think about the situation and why I might feel guilt. Perhaps there is something for which I need to apologize—not for the entire situation, but a lapse in judgment or failure on my part.

    I once worked in a very hectic environment in which I had a number of shifting responsibilities and no clear guidance on which ones were the most important. Come to think of it, that describes most of my jobs. When I felt overwhelmed by tasks and walked by another one that was not done, I noticed that I often had inner visions of being yelled at by my boss for failing to do the task. This felt even more stressful and overwhelming, and fed into this complex that I was a failure and inept.

    One day, however, I noticed this happening and thought—“Maybe this is just a part of me saying I should deal with this now.” So I did not walk by the task, I addressed it. It was over quickly, I felt more energized, and I no longer had those images of being yelled at because I knew I had done all I could.

    This is where taking those inner experiences seriously, but not too seriously, and owning these voices as our own is deep and enriching. The particular boss was never happy with what I did and always found some flaw, but I felt freer when I followed my inner guidance and acted in integrity with myself. The “inner boss” acted out when I was giving into my feelings of overwhelm and my beliefs that I could never get everything done so why do anything. I needed to own that the “inner boss” was me, some part of me speaking out, and to look at it with curiosity about how it might be helpful to me instead of overwhelming.

  • Between Two Great Opposing Poles

    “Take your well-disciplined strengths, stretch them between the two great opposing poles, because inside human beings is where God learns.”

    ― Rainer Maria Rilke

    As a person studying the psyche, Jung spoke often of polarity, the play of opposites. Where we notice one thing, the opposite is also somewhere within us. This is why Jungian psychology invites us to pay special attention to the people who annoy us, repel us, or even the people who intrigue us. Whatever we see in that person, particularly those things that we could never imagine being true for ourselves, is at some level within.

    To embrace the teaching of polarity and internal opposition, we must begin to let go of many long-cherished beliefs about ourselves, our capacity, and our feelings about others. We lose the certitude of defining ourselves by surface personality traits. The checklists of “Caring for Your Introvert” and “Caring for Your Extrovert,” while having value for helping us to better accept ourselves, become limitations when we remember that Introversion and Extraversion are two opposing poles themselves, with a vast gulf between.

    We do not need to deny the things we know about ourselves, only to begin to face the truth that we do not know everything. The ideas we have about why we are who we are are the truths that helped us get to this point in life, but they can become the next fence posts we need to leap to get to a bigger pasture. Or, if you do not like land metaphors, they become the eggshell we need to break to get bigger and become more free. Truth exists and we cannot apprehend it with our minds alone, or our hearts alone, but with every facet of who we are.

    We could realize more of our potential. We can move beyond tendencies to -, to get swept up in emotion, to numb ourselves with drugs or work or food or television or sex. What do you know about yourself? What is the opposite of that? Can you imagine what it would be like if both of those things were true about you? Could you sit in the space between those two polarities and hold them? Could you be loving and stern? Could you be a leader and a follower? When you hold both polarities, does a third thing arise? Not “the truth that is somewhere between,” but the truth that is both and neither?

    I have published an eBook! Check out and download my personal-growth workbook, Develop New Contracts, either by clicking the link here or in the header. If you like it, please let me know and share!

  • Balance

    Balance is a state of dynamic tension between forces. When this tension has reached equilibrium, for one moment we can experience profound stillness and peace. This peace cannot be static. Forces eventually shift.

    For those who can afford it, “balance” is a virtue that inspires clearer boundaries or more engagement in life, but it also can become yet another stick with which we beat ourselves. Striving for outer balance means we have yoked our capacity for peace upon things that will never be within control. Balancing one’s finances is an important practice and one that will inevitably be offset by some unexpected occurrence: a car breaking down, a medical bill, an impulsive buy.

    Justice from The Ukioye Tarot Deck

    What feels balanced in this phase of life will not work for another. Sometimes it’s worth putting in the extra two hours of work to guarantee a weekend of relief from concern or feeling that things are undone. Other times, we need to learn to stop ourselves from working and invest energy in play, or family, or cultivating another kind of joy.

    Equilibrium is a state of presence. We arrive at deep, responsive, fluid balance by starting within. The heart offers a fulcrum upon which one’s inner state comes to rest. We can bring attention to what is occurring inside, whether it is a storm of thoughts or multiple competing feelings, and we can bring a gentle acceptance and equanimity. If all inner experiences are welcome to occur and subside as they will, space becomes available for deeper attention. We can hold a pose for longer, subtly adjusting our muscles and weight and holding even while parts are screaming that they will go insane if we don’t stop.

    Even this equilibrium is fleeting, though with practice we can become better and better at returning to balance when balance is upset. To paraphrase Bruce Wayne’s father in Batman Begins, we lose balance so that we can learn how to regain it.

  • Empty Your Heart

    Pain lingers long after the injury. The automatic recoiling at any reminder of the wound, that aching throb that continues after jamming one’s thumb. It is easy to become mad at someone who “pushes your buttons,” and surely there are relationships in which our friends and enemies find our buttons with intuitive ease, stirring up painful reminders of past failures or unhealed wounds. Those reminders continue after the button was pushed. We might walk away from the person, the conversation, and hours later still ruminate on what happened. The button-pusher is not there, doing this to us. The pain is now about us, about what in us needs attention and healing.

    We suffer, and we fill ourselves with beliefs to try to relieve the suffering or prevent further suffering. “Next time, I’m going to say this and really shut him up.” “I can’t be around someone like that.” “We need to change this policy so something like this never happens again.” The metaphor of emotional baggage is so easy to grasp. We drag all of our past hurts with us into every fresh experience.

    Toko-pa posted today:

    Often it’s only when the well runs dry that we realise how thirsty we’ve been. We become aware of having lost a presence for life. We may find ourselves asking what happened to those magic eyes which saw poetry in the ordinary? Where went the wondrous self whose very countenance is invitational?

    Put quite simply, the emptiness has become full.

    The Star, from the Thoth Tarot

    (Go read the rest. Seriously.) Reading this was a wonderful coincidence, as yesterday I was in contemplation and got the message, “Empty your heart.” Every “should,” every expectation, every irritation with how life as it is does not measure up to an intangible, impossible perfection is a drop of stale water that fills the cup of the heart. All of this mingles with our blessings and grace, the love and compassion we are capable of feeling.

    We can bring innocence back into our lives without losing the lessons. We do not need to become naïve and recklessly trusting. We can pour the contents of our hearts out as an offering to the world, all that bliss and pain, and become open. This is not as simple as willing yourself to let it go, but it is a practice to cultivate. Bringing presence to the pain, sharing it with a trusted friend or professional, making art with it, all of this provides the possibility for more space and emptiness.

    We can start by setting an intention to become open, to become empty, to become innocent. When walking down the road, we can notice ourselves preoccupied with thoughts or stale feelings and choose to open our awareness. We can focus on our senses, notice how things really smell today, how they feel now, what sounds are occurring that we might not have noticed. Ask yourself, “What is happening right now? What am I not noticing?” Experience something as though you’ve never seen or touched it before. With practice, we can bring this innocence to our jobs, our relationships, even our experiences of self.

    Beautiful sound emerges from the hollowness of the drum, the emptiness of the bell. We need space within to allow experience to flourish and emerge.

  • And waste my heart on fear no more.

    May I have the courage today
    To live the life that I would love,
    To postpone my dream no longer
    But do at last what I came here for
    And waste my heart on fear no more.

    -John O’Donohue, “A Morning Offering”

    If you are going somewhere, then you will meet opposition, an obstacle.

    Encountering an obstacle does not mean the path is wrong.

    If you were going nowhere, then nothing would be an obstacle. The river would be a river. You would simply stop or do something else.

    Luangwa River Crossing, Geoff Gallice

    If you want something on the other side of the river, then the river becomes an obstacle. The river is not trying to stop you, nor is your goal taunting you by being on the other side of the river. These things simply are, and what feelings arise say more about yourself in the moment than a broader truth.

    If, on encountering the river, you decide there is no way across and it is impossible, then you surrender the goal and the river becomes a river again.

    If, on encountering the river, you spend your energy fighting the river for interfering with your goal, you will squander your energy and fail to meet your goal.

    If your goal is truly in line with your will, then use your energy wisely. Contemplate another path, or learn the nature of the river to consider how you can use it to help you reach the goal.

    If your goal is not worth navigating this obstacle, then it is not truly your goal.

  • Honesty and Secrecy

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    What keeps things hidden? How does secrecy feel to you? Is it like a deep, reflective silence where truth grows rooted and strong? Is tender or brittle and chaotic, a forgotten bear trap lying in wait for some unsuspecting person?

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  • Surviving Despair

    “Paradoxically, the moment of utter defeat can be the traditional turning point in the journey. It is the moment when all conscious strategems have failed, the ego abdicates, and deeper forces of life may make their appearance.” – Marc Ian Barasch

    Toko-pa recently posted this quote, and it has lingered in the back of my mind. What has been at the forefront is despair.

    Belief has a fiery quality to it. When all else seems murky and confused, we can fall back upon what fuels our sense of purpose: belief in ourselves, belief in a power greater than ourselves, or faith in the power of a system of beliefs. Even those who disavow theism may show some quality of devotion to a virtue that calls them forward.

    At some point in every journey, however, even these lights grow dim. Perhaps this occurs at the moment right before the discovery of treasure, the last mile of the marathon, the last gasp when all energy is exhausted and some part of the being cries out, “How much more of this can I take? And why?”

    Sometimes this enormity of frustration, somehow unlocks exactly what we need to push through into success. Perhaps there was some burden we’ve been carrying that we finally abandon, realizing there was no purpose to it. Perhaps we have nurtured some secret fear or grievance, some way of being that no longer works but we cannot bring ourselves to abandon it, and this is the very thing getting in the way of what we need. If you are a person given to caring for others, perhaps it is your secret selfishness. If you are a person who walks with callous indifference, perhaps it is your secret wounded heart. The thing we always held up as our strength must fail for the deeper strength to emerge.

    Or perhaps you look upon your path and see a trail of mistakes and failures. In spite of your best intentions, things did not work out as you hoped. Perhaps you failed someone or lost your integrity, enabled someone to do terrible things that can never be undone. Perhaps you did not speak when you could have, or you spoke and hurt someone deeply when you could have remained silent.

    These are dark feelings, and tender, and they can lead us to who we truly are. Despair is not the end of the path. This feeling is like a cry in the wilderness, but it could become the crowing that breaks open the sky for the light of dawn. Beneath the weight of despair is joy, fierce and urgent, wriggling for freedom.

    What keeps you going when you reach the edge of the map and you’re no longer sure if you trust your compass? What keeps you going when you feel despair?

  • Suffering Consciously

    “Only conscious suffering has any sense.” – Attributed to Gurdjieff’s Study House in Prieuré
    “The only cure for the pain is the pain.” – Rumi
    “You have to be free from the painkiller / To be free from the pain” – Fetish

    Avoiding pain is a great source of suffering. Some of our biggest problems in life might be considered solutions to the problem of pain we do not want to feel: addictions, depression, anxiety, even behaviors that actively hurt us or interfere with our desires. When coupled with the tyranny of positivity, avoiding pain hurts us. Sometimes the thing that heals mental illness is learning how to feel the suffering a person does not want to feel.

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  • To Eris

    Eris, Goddess of Strife by VP-Manips

    Subtle Twin, whose hand stirs
    the cauldron of space,
    twinkling chaos in grace:
    unlock the closets, unrust
    neglected doors, unseal
    and spill what we may clean.
    When Shame and Conflict
    drop in with armfuls of beer,
    let us laugh at predictable
    outbursts, thoughts kneading
    problems into dried-out clay
    while the body screams
    its longing to smash
    through the hard crust
    formed around the heart.
    With silence filling the temple
    at the center, may our minds
    abandon certitude for joy,
    finding solace in You,
    God Who Shakes the Snow-Globe,
    Monster Beneath Each Bed,
    Goddess Who Is Left Off Every Invitation,
    Joke That Breaks the Peace,
    Blunderer Into the Wrong Conversation,
    Missent Email,
    Whisperer Of The Wrong Name at the Wrong Time,
    Most Holy Malapropism,
    Deleted Text Message,
    Forgotten Person on My Friendslist Who Posts Embarrassing Comments,
    Roaring Fart During Solemn Proceedings,
    Innocent Question That Reveals What No One Wants to Address,
    Lie Accidentally Named.
    May every sickening secret
    soak in Your antibiotic light.
    Save us not from lost integrity,
    but as we stumble, help us
    lift in pride of self-acceptance
    unembarrassed honesty,
    admitting every crack and slip.

  • A Life of Gratitude and Connection

    In last week’s post, I railed against my pet peeve of the Tyranny of Positivity. After exploring what was so limiting and unhelpful about compelling each other to positivity, I decided now is an opportunity to explore a useful, if subtle, distinction. In some ways I contradict myself, railing against positive thinking and platitudes about believing in ourselves while still wishing to avoid the equally unhelpful dominion of negativity and indignation.

    “Positivity” and “Negativity” are oppositions, which means they are conflicting facets of the same belief structure. To be beholden to one and reject the other is to be caught in the trap of both. Health and sanity might lie on the middle road between these poles, but even better might be to consider that the positive-negative belief structures impairs our ability to perceive reality as much as it helps us to form a coherent understanding of it. If I am desperately trying to look like I “have it all together” while someone I love is dying, my partner and I are having enormous problems, or something in my life is failing, then I am caught in the trap of positivity. If I insist on the misery of life when I am in good health, I have a home and food to eat, and I have people who care about me, then I am caught in the trap of negativity.

    Real life is messy and rarely free of problems or blessings, and our minds get trained to focus on a few facets of life and ignore others. We have nothing to fear from being real. We can cultivate gratitude and connection to help us live more fully. (more…)