Anthony Rella, MA, LMHC

Author: Anthony Rella

  • Don’t turn your back to the ocean.

    Don’t turn your back to the ocean.

    I am taking a needed vacation from regular posting, and appreciating this moment in which exalted Venus in Pisces is in a friendly connection with flailing Mars in Cancer. Both love an ocean, where Venus is abundant and expansive in her great love for all beings, while Mars is the crab on the beach that will mess you up if you get in his way. He wants safety and sees mostly threat, while she sees what is beautiful and elevated and might overlook the real dangers and faults.

    This feels like a moment rich with the opportunity for delusion, and imaginary danger may bring forth real consequences. I want to secure what I love, strengthen my defenses while keeping my heart open. Strong boundaries allow for grace and generosity.

  • What future are you imagining?

    What future are you imagining?

    In my forthcoming book Slow Magic, out in a couple weeks through Llewelyn, I offer the frame that whatever future we’re imagining shapes our behavior in the present.

    This feels important in this moment as our collective mercurial energy slogs through the matter of fact but quite future oriented Capricorn and makes opposition to our martial tendencies flailing in emotional, defensive Cancer. The worries are real, as is the vigor for shoring up our homes and protecting our wellbeing.

    And it’s worth trying to imagine further than short term fears. There will be a time when this moment passes, or even opportunities in times of upheaval, and a calm mind may find possibilities where a heated one sees only obstacles. It is not useful to ignore dangers, but remember and keep focus on where you want to go.

  • It is not wrong to worry.

    It is not wrong to worry.

    A personal maxim that guides my therapeutic approach is to cease being at war within the self. When we approach every part of us with friendliness and curiosity, taking for granted that it’s trying to help and not giving up until we’ve learned how it is trying to help, so much becomes easier inside. We end up at the desired destination—decreased tension and anxiety, more aliveness—but through a path that initially seems counterintuitive.

    So it is that today I want to honor and thank the parts that worry, the parts that see concerning news and imagery and feel troubled about what is to come. They serve their purpose, they serve us in so many ways. And it is also true that there are limits to them, and they can drain us in their worries when there is little to do other than be aware of danger.

    When I am with a worried part, I try to listen to its concern, identify any proactive action I can take, and thank it for its service. Today, I was noticing a part that felt deeply concerned by gestures made in a public event yesterday that herald back to an authoritarian government that we fought against almost a century ago. I decided to share my concern in the hopes that it would be considered, perhaps validated, or I could get some reassurance that what I feared was not the trajectory of the country. I went to a government website where in the past I would be welcome to send in a comment, and found there was nothing there. No invitation for feedback, no comments. This strengthened the concerns of my worried part.

    If we do not allow outlets to express concern, they will only grow in intensity. Trying to silence, suppress, or ignore that within us that has fear does not make it smaller. May we all grow in our capacity to bear witness to each other’s concerns.

  • A burden shared is immeasurably lighter.

    A burden shared is immeasurably lighter.

    Today the security urge wants to lean away from hard conversations and talking about the wounds that keep us from being ourselves. After a long fierce advocacy, the urge is to retreat into harmony. We can see the ruins of what happens when there is war without love or mercy, and we have reasoned fear it. Today is a day to find solace and strength in sharing your burdens with trusted loved ones and partners of all kinds. What is carried alone is intolerable, but what is carried together is easy and light.

  • Neither love nor sorrow requires rescue.

    Neither love nor sorrow requires rescue.

    Today and tomorrow, Venus and Saturn dissolve into each other in the abundant dreamworld of Pisces. Saturn in Pisces evokes the Mother of Sorrows, one who brings forth life into this earth knowing that it will experience death and suffering, whose heart overflows with both fierce love and joy for her children and also the immense grief for their pain. Venus in Pisces evokes the Great Lover, one who offers her love and pleasure freely to all, without attachment or condition, who receives all into her embrace.

    Venus is considered exalted in Pisces, which allows her love to expand unfettered and invite everyone it touches to see the best within themselves, that they may heal and become who they are. And she can be so intoxicated by what she sees within others—which is their greatest good—that she is unable to see the great distance between reality and potential. Here Saturn offers a sobering dose of reality, but together they feel beautiful. They can see and accept both the frailties and the potentials and love a real person for who they really are. They can bear witness to sorrow, anger, and suffering without rushing to rescue you from it.

    So often we feel we must save others from their pain, as though that were truly possible, and then feel thwarted and resentful when their pain remains regardless of our actions. We take it personally. We feel unable to put down the responsibility. But there is nothing to save. Each of us is here to bear our measure of pain and love, and learning to bear and care for those feelings is what frees us. If others take away our pain, then we don’t get to learn and become free, instead we become dependent upon them and their skill. Truly loving a person brings witness to their powers and their sufferings and asking, with care, “What do you need that will help?”

  • Do you need more information?

    Do you need more information?

    It’s scary to be skeptical of our own thoughts, because they’re what we use to deal with life. It’s hard to imagine acting confidently amidst doubt and uncertainty. But so often our certainties are a problem, arrived at with minimal reflection and insufficient information. We may agonize because we imagine some person hates us or another does not want us to succeed, all kinds of stories that we never surface to be questioned. Or we ruminate over and over about an issue without doing anything to learn more about what we need to know.

    The knowings of the mind aren’t factual, they’re assumptions drawn from what we’ve experienced and what we already know. We need to keep getting fresh data. To ask questions that check out our assumptions and be willing to chew on the answers.

  • Check the plumbing.

    Check the plumbing.

    Today it feels like our inner systems are under duress. Energy we’d normally propel outward to enjoy life instead has to focus on inner maintenance. It’s frustrating, but it’s best to take the time to be thorough about it. When there’s a leak in the house, you need to be a detective to find its source. Water dripping from the ceiling is a problem and it’s a symptom of a different problem–if you only tend to the symptom, the problem keeps getting worse.

    So it is that we want to get a sense of the system when it’s having problems. The drip in the ceiling might be from a leaky pipe. The leaky pipe might be from some other issue. All of these things need attention, there is not one piece that is insignificant. If we can’t get to the deepest issue—if it’s too hidden, too ingrained, or coming from something that we can’t control—then it makes sense to just fix the piping and reinforce the ceiling. But if we can tend to the source and choose not to, we’re setting ourselves up for a period of maintenance that might be avoidable.

    If you find yourself having reactions bigger than expected—if emotions are “leaky” and coming out on people who don’t deserve it—then this same detective work is worthwhile. Before trying to solve anything, first stop the crisis, then explore the problem. Draw a map. See if you can see how things are informing each other. Then see what’s within your power to fix, and what needs more support.

  • The world has enough monsters.

    The world has enough monsters.

    I thought I wouldn’t write anything today, coming off of an illness that had me on the couch watching old scifi all weekend. But I also read a detailed discussion of the horrific allegations against an author who was once very influential to me, and all day have had these thoughts about how life finds a way to kick you in the teeth.

    Today the moon and Mars join in Cancer, on a day when the moon is full. This feels like a harsh moon, in which you may indeed find the monsters hiding in the dark closet in your bedroom, where you want to feel the most safe, the most comfortable. There’s a drama here, a shock, and the urge to block it out or respond with the greatest drama.

    Comfort itself might be a problem. There are so many ways to soothe and distract. So many temptations to make someone a hero and lift them out of critique. So many ways to deify people and give away our power, and then to be shocked when they don’t use their power in our interest.

    Today feels like an important day to allow in grief, guilt, anguish, and anger. Not to blast them all over everyone around you, who may not deserve it, but to hold it up with care. This too is a part of our humanity, worthy of love. We may not know what to do about the outer situation, but we can acknowledge for ourselves what hurts, what disillusionments come. Try to make sure your pain is understood before it is soothed.

  • A veil of darkness that yields light.

    Venus is the evening star at this point in her cycle, about to go through a period in which she disappears beneath the curtain of sunlight to re-emerge as the morning star in a few months. Veiled in darkness, her radiance shines forth.

    Darkness gets a bad reputation these days, a quality that gets associated with danger, crime, and chaos—something to regulate or conquer, something to expel or control. Many of us live in places where we rarely know true darkness due to the persistence of artificial light.

    At this moment, Venus invites us to consider the beauty of darkness, or how darkness renders us beautiful and beloved. The stars and planets shine through with brilliance when we can find a place to stargaze that is truly dark. It is awe-inspiring and humbling. Darkness also softens the harshness of bright, unyielding light. So much exposure, so much self-revelation, under the gaze of very accurate cameras tends to highlight the unique textures of our faces in bodies in ways that heightens self-scrutiny, or the judgment of others—and the pressure to use filters, makeup, special angle, and other manipulations to hide those textures and shapes.

    In darkness, however, the outer appearance softens and the inner beauty of the heart may shine through.

  • A flood of babble.

    A flood of babble.

    There is such a volume of information and so little actual discussion. A friend and I were talking earlier this week about how some online discussions feel like arguments with bots, even when you know that the person you’re talking to is a human. (Or was, at some point? Who knows, maybe they got a bot to manage their social media.)

    Social media and “the discourse” have rendered us all bot-like with its forces that push us toward brevity, taking things out of context, ramping up emotionality to get engagement, and all the subtle ways our conversations are policed and uniqueness eroded. The medium shapes the message, and if the prevalence of thought-terminating cliches on all sides is indicative, this particular medium is as much a force against critical thinking and earnest conversation as it is an empowering place for community and sharing information. Both twins emerge from these foundations.

    Perhaps today there is nothing to “do” about this so much as see if you can observe yourself engaging with information, conversation, and dialogue online or in-person. Notice what memes make you want to argue or react. Notice what happens to you when you do so. Notice what it’s like to refrain from your habits.

    This feels like a reality we must contend with, and it’s worth paying attention. Awareness creates the possibility of different action.