When Resolutions Meet Resistance

I woke up on the first day of 2017 feeling energetic and excited. I’d set my intention for the year and I felt eager to start threading it into my day. Making a new change always gives me a rush of possibility, a feeling of pride and competence! For the first few days, anyway!

A long time ago I stopped making formal resolutions of the type, “I will accomplish [this thing] this year.” These days my practice is to set an overall intention, or find a key word to which I can anchor. One year, for example, I chose the word “Sobriety.” I kept sobriety as the state I strove to keep up consciously, and to recognize when and how I fell away from it. Instead of saying “I won’t drink this year,” my goal was to keep my use of intoxicants below the threshold of becoming intoxicated.

I’m not saying this to suggest everyone should do this specific practice, but the approach helped me to use the intention as a practice of staying conscious while not setting myself up for failure. Failure, in fact, wasn’t failure, but rather information that helped me better understand my relationship with my intention.

What I’ve learned is that when I start a change or set an intention, initially I will enjoy the period I’m enjoying right now—”This is awesome! I feel so great!” This wears off. Sooner than I’d like, everything that resists this intention or change makes itself known. The river gets rockier and more rapid, harder to navigate. For many of us, our resolutions do not survive this period.

A white flag with the word
A white flag with the word “Explore” written on it, against a backdrop of dark wood. Image by Andrew Neel

What interferes with keeping intentions or resolutions, whatever they may be? Here are some:

  • Lack of knowledge or competence – We may set bold, inspiring goals that fill use with passion and enthusiasm, only to discover on the early steps that the actual work leaves us feeling confused, lost, humiliated, or in pain. We had no idea it would be this hard, or we had no idea all the things we had no idea about with regard to the process.
  • Trying to do too many things at once – This is related to the first bullet, in that we can get so eager to revolutionize that we take on way too much. Quitting smoking, taking up regular exercise, and cleaning the house weekly are all admirable goals, but trying to do all three at once is at best an exercise in self-torture and at worst a set-up. Better to pick one goal and hold one’s self to it with diligence, then take up the next once that first pattern is more or less set.
  • Life happening – After a few great weeks of staying consistent, little things crop up that seem like reasonable exceptions, then more reasonable exceptions, or maybe we reward ourselves for doing such a good job and take a break that starts to drag on.
  • Lack of support or encouragement – Maybe our friends and loved ones aren’t supportive of the changes we’re trying to make. When we change, it often pushes those close to us to change as well. If our loved ones aren’t willing to change, they may respond in ways that encourage us to go back to the old patterns. Even if they’re not actively interfering, sometimes the lack of encouragement undermines enthusiasm and follow through. It’s hard to keep eating salads and drinking water when everyone around you keeps getting burgers and beers.
  • Parts of self threatened by the change – This underlies everything. Perhaps the pattern we’re trying to change served a need we weren’t conscious of, like comfort or safety. Perhaps parts of us are afraid that if we’ll succeed life will change in uncomfortable ways. Maybe the old patterns are comfortable and we return to them in times of stress.

Whatever the reason, it’s almost a guarantee that any time you try to make a change something or someone will resist and try to stop the change. We have to contend with discomfort, conflict, unpleasant feelings, and doing things when we “don’t feel like it.” We might have to accept that the goal was too lofty, too far ahead on the path from where we’re at.

This year, instead of being discouraged when this happens, my hope is that we can approach this as life giving us the material we need to work with to truly make this change permanent and lasting. It is feedback, internal and external, showing us what in ourselves and the world caused us to keep to the old pattern in the first place.

Slipping up or making a mistake with our own intention does not have to be a sign of personal failure, a sign that the goal was wrong or we’re broken. It’s an opportunity for self-study, to look honestly at the obstacles and take stock of what other changes need to happen to sustain our intention.