Tag: relationships

For Nice Guys Seeking Love and Lust

“The reason the Nice Guy strategy fails tends to come down to underlying shame about yourself, your passivity, and your inability to tolerate another person’s boundaries. The loneliness you’re trying to cure through romantic connection becomes your greatest hindrance. Loneliness is true suffering, it is incredibly painful, and makes us more sensitive to rejection from the people with whom we want to connect.”

For Queer Men and Others Seeking Love and Lust

As a therapist who frequently works with queer men and nonbinary folk on loneliness, longing, sex, and intimacy, I wanted to write down the advice and observations I most frequently offer. This is a series of mini-essays covering the confusion of lust and love; apps and hookup culture; etiquette around open relationships; self-respect in love; creating a good life when you don’t have a partner; and other topics.

Consent When You Don’t Know What You Need

/”Yet there are times when the person we want to love or care for is unable to be clear about what they need from us. When we reach out to loved ones and say, “Let me know what you need,” that expression of caring might not be enough to get an authentic answer. The person we want to support may not know what they need; may not know how to ask for what they need; or may feel shame and terror at the vulnerability of asking. These three states are obstacles for establishing consent. For the rest of this post, I’m going to discuss each obstacle and offer suggestions for ways we can work through that not-knowing and learn together what is needed.”

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