Author Brian Bouldrey once told me that in adulthood, every victory is conditional. That has stuck with me throughout my twenties and now early thirties, and I notice that we experience nothing that is not some mixture. Sometimes we lift our torches to the world and ask for what we want, and sometimes what we receive is not what we expected.
I struggle with knowing what to do in these situations. My mind wants to clamp down and cycle through stories about why this is not right and fears about settling for what is offered. This is the cycle of a mind that is stuck within scripts and closed to information. The mind becomes constricted around beliefs about how things are supposed to be and not capable of achieving its natural, open, relaxed state wherein more becomes possible.
Lately I find myself slowing down more when my mind wants to cycle into anxiety. I take a deep breath and notice the urge to keep searching, looking, thinking, debating, to keep busy and postpone the actions that would move life forward. Instead of energy moving, it becomes blocked and fixated. At the same time, simply acting from this blocked energy does not feel complete or whole.
I can take a breath and imagine myself sinking inside, among the clusters of hurt and fear. I can notice what is happening within my physical body, within this environment, at this moment. All of this includes the cycling of mind and anxious movement of energy within. All of this includes the solidity of the chair, the gravity that keeps me anchored to earth. I can ask for help, for more information. I can make a decision, knowing that each decision is not an end but another step on a long and winding path. My being wants to be in relationship to this world, to be actively involved and in motion, to be still and seek rest.